I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
