just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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