Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You need a sexual gate keeper
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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