Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
