My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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