the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize