I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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