just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
