The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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