I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
