I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
