I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My breasts were aching with rage.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
