did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
