My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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