If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
