I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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