After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
