I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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