Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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