omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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