ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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