Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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