i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
