are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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