It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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