You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
