census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
