I will die if light touches me.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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