two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
