I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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