never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
