I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
