I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
