Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
