just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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