If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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