can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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