Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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