I'm so fucking centered right now
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
