I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
