You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
