she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
A+ Viking dick
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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