I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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