and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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