I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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