You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
