But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
