atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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