I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I enjoy the company of your penis
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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