Don't make out with my wife yet
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
