I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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