my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
