Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He passed out mid-signature
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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