There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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