here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
