I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
