apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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